Dust on a Bronze Knut
by olive62
Summary: Lily's in depression after her parents died and only one student seems to see her the way no one else does...rated T. unfinished!


**Okay, Hi, I just wanted ya'll to know that the first part I wrote at a different time and I decided to change halfway through, just so you know why it suddenly changed. This is my second FanFiction ever so I hope you just keep that in mind while reading my story and please review!**

I don't own any of the characters or Harry Potter

She was on autopilot. That was all she knew. She got up in the morning, brushed her teeth, brushed her hair, got dressed, and went to breakfast. She went to her classes. She pretended to pay attention and finished her classwork. She skipped lunch and dinner. She went to the library. She slept. That was her life. She knew her friends glared at anyone they caught staring at her, but she saw them sneak glances themselves. And she couldn't bring herself to tell them that she saw them look, because what she saw in their eyes was pity. And she hated pity. It was the only emotion she interacted with, other than sorrow, misery and disgust. And the weekends, she dreaded the weekends. She had nothing to do except her homework, which didn't take nearly as much time as she wanted it too. She had to sit with herself and she couldn't do anything about it. And she hated it. I guess hate is on the list too.

Being like this showed her just how much her mind was separated from her body. She would walk and talk and move but nothing was happening inside her brain. Or everything was happening inside her brain when her body was still. She tried to act normal, for everyone's sake, everyone still knew that she grieved. Grieved was what they called it, but there wasn't a word to describe what it was like to loose your parents. To never see them again and have a gaping hole in your soul that could never be filled. She could only be with herself, who she despised. There weren't any number of words to describe it. There wasn't any language.

She didn't consider this depression. She did her work perfectly, and her grades were above anyone's in the entire school. Better than anyone's in 15 years. She knew that because she read about it. And then wrote a 27 page essay about it. That was all she could do nowadays, work and read. Anything to distract her mind, keep it from thinking. Thinking about anything else but schoolwork. And when she had schoolwork, or a book, the constant weight that filled her body and her mind was gone, or she just didn't think about it. But when she had to think, when she had nothing to do, had to be with herself and her mind was empty, it returned and it wrapped around her conscious, strangling it, and there was no escape. Only books and work. Books and work. People thought they would be the one, the one person who could change her, bring her back to the old Lily, the kind Lily who thought of everyone before herself, who wouldn't have thought in a million years she would be like this. But she's gone.

(Changing to first person narration.)

When people say the name Lily, or when they talk to me, I know they're talking to her. To Lily. Not me, not this warped disgusting zombie that wallows in other people's pity while the whole time thinking about herself. About how I would never see them again. How they left me, and now I don't have anyone in this world. They left me and now I'm alone. They're gone.

When people say that they never really left, that as long as we remember them they'll be here, it doesn't work that way. It's never worked that way. They're gone and I'll never see them again. I'll never get the chance to do anything with them. I wouldn't be able to say 'I love you' to them one last time. I was alone. With myself. And I hated that.

I drew in a sharp breath, making me lightheaded and my lungs burned. I didn't know why I was under my bed, but somehow I ended up there. I had walked in to my dorm room, grateful to find it empty. I didn't care that I was skipping dinner once again; I just wanted to get away, even though I knew I could never escape. I had dumped my bag on the floor and slid down Marlene's bedpost. I looked to my left. There was a Knut under my bed. I chuckled shaking my head. It wasn't funny. I don't know why I was laughing, but I was. That was how things were lately; I don't know why I was doing that, but I was. My mind was separating from my body. I couldn't let that happen. I needed to stay in control. Keep the darkness away.

I shook my head again. Of course now my rational side shows. Lily's rational side. My arm stretched out, but I couldn't reach the Knut. I crawled under the bed; dust clouding my nostrils and obscuring my vision.

I lay half under my bed, half out, my feet lying straight out behind me. My thumb brushed over the surface of the Knut, wiping away the layer that had settled there from weeks of lying amongst the dust. It was cramped under there, but for some reason my feet followed my body and I was lying flat under my bed, my nose a few centimeters from the wooden frame at the underside of the bed. I sighed. I was content here. That lasted a few seconds and then my mind returned and my stomach clenched in pain. My eyes closed and I waited, begged, for the tears to come. They never did. My hands closed into fists and my palms probed the ragged flesh that was my fingernails. And there it was. The darkness, I had started calling it. The pain, the misery, the sorrow the disgust, the hate, and the fear all merging into one, coiling around my thoughts. I couldn't breathe. I wanted out. It hurt, it hurt badly. It was squeezing tighter, and my hands started to shake. My eyes wouldn't open. My chest started to tighten. My muscles cramped. My throat started burning from the breath I didn't realize I had been holding in. I let it out and started taking shallow breaths. It was still there, writhing and twisting. It'll take me, I realized. It'll take me and I wont be able to hold on. I'll separate. I'll go insane. More books. I could open my eyes. More work. I started to breathe normally again. What's 86 divided by 4? As I started to work the maths out in my head my body relaxed. The darkness wasn't there anymore. It didn't leave, but I didn't want to give it a chance to enter. Not again.

"Lily?"

The door creaked open and Marlene stepped into the room.

"Are you in here?" that snapped me out of it. I pulled myself out from under my bed, my fist still clamped around the Knut. "Yup." I grunted, getting to my knees and then shakily to my feet.

"You missed dinner. They're serving dessert now, if you want to grab some." She said, although I knew she already knew the answer.

"No, I'm fine. I was just doing some classwork." I said, brushing myself off.

"Under the bed?" she asked with a smile.

"No, I was getting this," I showed her the Knut "under the bed, I missed dinner cause I was doing homework."

"Sure." She laughed and I cracked a smile. And then I remembered she was joking with Lily and not me, and I stopped. The darkness tightened around me and I quickly said "Actually why not, I'll go grab some dessert."

She smiled wider and took my hand and pulled me down the stairs, into the common room.

"Slow down," I chuckled. It was suddenly quiet in the common room. Marlene's smile faded and she looked down. All at once everyone hastily started a conversation. She tugged my hand again, but I was still watching. They knew. Everyone did. I was going insane. The darkness was taking me.

"Lily? Are you okay?" asked Marlene. She knew the answer to that one too.

"What? Yeah, I'm fine, I was just thinking."

The concern in her eyes startled me. I hadn't looked in a mirror in a while. Did I look crazy?

"Okay… are you sure you want to come have some dessert?"

"Yeah, of course. Let's go." I said as brightly as possible. Maybe too brightly.

"Right…"she said. She was still looking at me oddly. I was getting the urge to run upstairs and check my face in the bathroom mirror. She looked at me one last time and then spun on her heel, her hand still clasping mine.

"Let's go." We walked down the halls, chatting about everything and nothing, and she grew more comfortable with me. We got to the Great Hall and my natural instinct was to look up at the ceiling and I did, drinking in the beauty of the stars sprinkling the sky like salt spilled over black marble. Marlene tugged my hand again and we came and sat down next to my other best friends, Alice Fortescue and Arrabella Figg.

They smiled at me but the same level of concern that shone in Marlene's eyes was in theirs too, and then suddenly I was aware of all the stares on my back of people behind me. I could feel their concern and alarm too.

And pity.

Always pity.

I turned around and I could feel the alarm intensify as well as the whispers. Eyes hastily shirted away in shame. What did I look like?

"Lily?" came Arrabella's tentative voice.

"Huh? Sorry." I breathed and then sat down. They all looked at me expectantly. My eyes roved the table until I could find a bowl and a spoon and I looked up. They were still looking at me. I grabbed a scoop of ice cream, strawberry I think, and plopped it in my bowl. I dipped the tip of my spoon into the ice cream, and put it in my mouth. The tension released in the group and I think I actually heard a sigh of relief. I felt like I hadn't seen them in forever. Which made no sense, because I went to all of my classes today with them, and everyday before. But I guess I haven't really seen them at all. Why was it suddenly today that I noticed? I must have been getting stares and looks since who knows when. They have all been seeing me not really seeing them. I guess that's why they sighed when I ate the ice cream. Because it was normal. I swallowed the ice cream and took a swig of Alice's pumpkin juice. Both tasted like ash. They were still looking at me.

"Do I have something on face?" I asked them, voicing the question that popped up in my mind about every five seconds. Most of them looked down, or away.

"Do I?"

Only Arrabella spoke up. "No, you don't."

I stopped myself from asking the next question. _Then why is everybody staring at me?_

I think the topic was a little sensitive.

Why was I suddenly noticing everything now? Why not before? What changed? I looked down at my lap and unfurled my hand. The shining bronze Knut was still there. The light bouncing off it seemed to yell at me. _What are you doing?_ It was saying. _Snap out of it!_

I then felt a stare that chilled down my spine and made me involuntarily shudder.

James.

That was all he did. Stare. Observe. Analyze, like I was some science project. I was so unnerved by his gaze that I could sense it out of countless others, boring a hole into the back of my head. I felt like he could read all my secrets in once glance, like a book. I felt vulnerable. Open. And terrified. I felt a flash of anger too. How dare he make me feel like this? And not even do anything significant? Why was he doing this? I turned around and found his face instantly.

James.

I found his face and I glared at it. Hard. It felt good. Really good. I wanted him to look away. Or blush. Be ashamed. Or do anything!

He just sat there and looked at me. Straight in the eye. I felt my cheeks go slack and my glare falter. He seemed happy by my glare. Hopeful, even! What on earth did I look like? The bell rang but I didn't look away. Nor did he. The mass of black clothing leaving the tables to go to their dorm rooms severed our connection.

I turned back around to my table and sighed, looking at my half melted ice cream scoop in the middle of my bowl. No time to eat now.

I felt the stare on my back again.

James.

I stood up suddenly, causing the bench to rattle jerkily. I have never cared about what _James Potter_ of all people thought, so why start now. I stepped over the bench and picked my way through students leaving the hall, feeling better than I have in months. The bronze Knut in my hand was growing steadily hotter and hotter from my touch, and so were my emotions. I didn't care that the small flash of anger I felt spark earlier was growing into a wildfire; all I cared about was that I was angry. And angry was not on the list.


End file.
